H2, Doh!

Hummer's Big Race

by Collin Dunn

Hummer's TV commercial: Like nothing else.
Photo: NASA
I don't remember what was on the first time I saw it; chances are it was "I Love the 80's" or a re-run of "The Simpsons" or something. All I know is one minute I was kicking back on the couch in my living room, and the next, I was asking myself, "Isn't that 'The Who'?" and staring in wide-eyed wonderment at the television. Mouth agape, I found myself truly overwhelmed by the events unfolding in full color and stereo sound on the idiot box right in front of me. I may have even dropped the remote. And then, as quickly as it had begun, it was over. Had aliens landed? Nope. Discovery of a new diet based solely upon the consumption of mayonnaise? Hardly. It was a Hummer commercial.

The Hummer. The larger-than-life (sub)urban assault vehicle that will haul you from little Susie's soccer game through the dangers of the modern metropolitan jungle and back again on two tanks of gas. The Hummer, now peddled by the very children who will bear the burden of the environmental damage caused by each mile traveled by the only passenger vehicle that can ford the Mississippi River. Bummer.

Simply titled "Big Race," the commercial dramatically showcases a classic tortoise v. hare battle of wills (and gravity). A recap: America's need-for-speed youth catch wind of a soapbox derby race down a steep and winding road; the first one to the finish is crowned champion. While five racers construct sleek, stylish, road-hugging speed machines, our mussed-haired hero thinks outside the box (and the road) and builds himself a little Hummer.

The wild Hummer's natural habitat.
Photo: NREL
As The Who's "Happy Jack" bounces along, our intrepid racer resourcefully completes his boxy behemoth while his competitors laugh at the monstrosity. Undeterred by his detractors, our hero (we'll call him Happy Jack, just for fun) sticks to his devilishly clever master plan, veering off the road and straight down the hill soon after the green flag flies. While the racecars are confined to their winding asphalt course, the Happy-Jack-mobile does what Hummers do best: takes an over-the-hills-and-through-the-woods approach and wins the race by an oversized headlamp.

Hooray for Jack! He beat the odds and conquered his disbelieving foes, all thanks to his trusty hand-made Hummer. How can we not applaud Jack's inventive construction of a true off-road machine? His materials, after all, consist of only an old lawn mower, some non-load-bearing dog-house parts and a steering wheel thoughtfully given to him by a female admirer. Chicks dig the Hummer, apparently. Jack deserves a firm handshake and a pat on the back.

Driving a Hummer is a bit like using this backhoe...
Photo: DOT
Wait a sec. The home-made Hummer won. I cannot congratulate Happy Jack, for his machine represents the bane of all things earth-conscious and environmentally friendly. My endorsement of the commercial means I applaud the same product that The Governator proudly pilots. What is wrong with me? I must confess: I like this commercial. It makes me smile and I can't help but tip my hat to the underdog who comes from behind for a stunning, last-second victory. The inherent messages are far from eco-friendly:
...to pick these wildflowers.
Photo: NREL
that it is not only acceptable but advantageous to ignore posted and established roadways in favor of doing whatever the heck you want, regardless of social or environmental consequences. The Hummer itself is an undeniable enemy to many, if not all, of the general tenets of the sustainable, earth-conscious lifestyle. Its belching, life-choking emissions and gas mileage figures nearly dipping into the single digits are just a few of the environmental strikes against the super-sized SUV. I scratch my head and wonder: Is it acceptable to admire the commercial for commercial's sake and hate the product? And can I convince myself it is before I inexplicably find myself at the nearest Hummer dealership with a new set of keys in my hand and a debt roughly equal to the GDP of Burundi?

All melodramatic joking aside, I can't deny the appeal of this ad. It's got cute kids, catchy, recognizable music, a fun story and a triumphant, gleeful ending. Don't get me wrong: I am not a fan of Hummers. I don't understand why they are being snatched up at a rate of 3,000 per month to the tune of fifty grand apiece. I don't know what use they are to anyone who doesn't patrol minefields for a living or pass through war zones on their way to work. Nevertheless, I begrudgingly salute the marketing people over at Hummer, who have created a superior commercial, never mind the shortcomings of the real deal. This has been a confession of a sustainable mind.


Collin Dunn is Editor-in-Chief and Creatologist of sass magazine. He watches a lot of cable TV and drives a green Subaru. Collin is currently living the American dream in and around Seattle, Wash.

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